Just another mom blog…

For this child, I have prayed. (Samuel 1:27)

No baby this time around…

We went this morning to have our blood pregnancy test done after waiting for a full 2 weeks since our embryos were transferred.  The whole way there we smiled and held hands, secretly gaurding our high hopes that we’ve been blessed the very first try.  Chris had to return to work, and I took a brief nap to recover from staying up too late the night before out of excitement.  Since we receive our news via email, we obsessively checked and rechecked our inboxes.  Finally, around 2:15 pm, Chris gets the bad news and sends me a text to let me know.

And I cried. Boy did I cry! I cried for not being able to give Chris the child he wants just as much as I do. I cried for not being able to give our parents their grandbaby.  I cried for the infant with Chris’s lips and my eyes that will not be in my arms 9 months from now like I so desperately hoped for.

But I promised myself long ago that no matter what, that I would never lose sight of our goal, which is to have a child and our family.  As of this moment, I am reminding myself that the reason we chose to do IVF now instead of going straight to adoption is because I do not want to be caring for a young child and a difficult pregnancy. The sense of being torn between the responsibilities of motherhood toward our child we adopted and the child I am carrying would be absolutely unbearable to me.   I also don’t want to end up not having the option of a pregnancy due to ill health later on and severely regret it.  I know without a doubt that I am meant to be a mother, that motherhood agrees with me, and that one day our dreams of our child will come true.

So for right now, Chris and I are finding comfort in each other and our dreams.  On monday, I will call my RE and set up an appointment for us to discuss and plan our next steps. Chris and I have very solid plans on the steps that we would like to take next, and so we are mainly just hoping that things will fall into place. Please keep us in your prayers, and thank you for all of the prayers that you have said for us thus far.

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