In a few days it will be the one-year anniversary of my Mother’s death. I have been feeling very emotional and as a result I have been doing everything I can to get my mind off of it. I have been tackling major house projects such as revamping my closet and completely re-doing the family room to convert it into a playroom for Nathan. I have also been dwelling on planning his party and tackling the difficult task of planning it several states away.
My closet has been a complete mess for the better part of a year. I had lots of my Mom’s clothes hanging in it along with some of her bags and purses. At one time they were comforting to me, but now they do not even smell like her house anymore and make me feel more sad than comforted. Plus, I had no idea what to do with them. It got to the point to where I hated opening my closet only to be reminded me that she is gone. So this weekend, through tears, I finally removed the last of her things and reclaimed my space.
She is still listed as a contact on my phone. Her glasses still sit on a shelf in my room. I have realized that holding on to every little thing of hers in a vain attempt to keep her close to me has prevented me from letter her go. I am still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that letting her go doesn’t mean that I am forgetting her in any shape or form, but that by focusing on insignificant objects, I am preventing myself from celebrating a lifetime with her. The best way I can honor her, as counterintuitive as it seems, is to go on living my life with as much happiness as I can. I know she would want that, and no matter how much it hurts, I embrace each day during this emotional time with the joy she would want me to feel.