Breast Surgeon Consult
Tomorrow I will go and see a breast surgeon about this little tumor I have. We will be discussing the probable lumpectomy and possibly schedule the surgery.
I detest the word something fierce! I don’t care how minor or complicated the procedure is, I’ve been through way too many surgeries for a 28-year old. The fact that this particular surgery integrated itself most unwelcome into my near future does not help me feel better about it. Just thinking about it makes my hands sweat and makes me feel cold and shaky. (Shivers).
Over the weekend I largely forgot about my current breast situation. I did, however, find myself in awe at just how suddenly my biggest worry went from what to cook for dinner to wondering if my years are going to be cut short here on earth. Nevertheless, I realized that this whole experience (should it be a benign tumor) has served as an excellent reminder that I need to enjoy each day with my son and husband. That I do not need to sweat the small stuff.
Then out of no where I found myself feeling scared. I would be doing one of the dozens of important but menial task during my day and my emotions would change unpredictably from normal to feeling scared and back to normal again. I found myself relating to the hundreds of thousands of women who go through this very thing every year. Some of them are strong, some think themselves not, but they all faced the uncertainty of their unknown futures. They all found reasons to put up a good fight for someone or something that they love in their lives. For that alone, they are unbelievably strong. Hats off to each and every one of them.
Heck…make that a standing ovation.
I keep telling myself that I have 8 in 10 chance of it being largely harmless. When I start to feel scared, I say “80% chance” over and over again like a mantra until the fear goes away and I feel better again. Aside from feeling scared, I am handling this fine. I know it is normal to feel this way. I do, however, have moments too where I feel overwhelmed and just want to hit a “pause” button so I can process this some more.
Like today for example.
I had to call and make an appointment with the breast surgeon. I called their office to schedule a breast consult. They tossed around dates for consults, all of them at least a week or two away. Then they asked me what I am looking to consult for. I told them that my doctor referred me to have a lumpectomy consult due to a tumor, not yet biopsied but they are pretty sure it is benign. Then the receptionist changed her tune and said that she could see me tomorrow for a consult.
With that one statement, an entire weekend’s worth of feeling unconcerned with the tumor came to a screeching halt. I was once again impressed upon the seriousness and urgency of this whole situation.
With the sense of dread suddenly forcing itself on me again, I all of a sudden found it hard to think about…well…anything actually. My mind tends to go into a protective mode where I feel dazed and disconnected. With some not-so-gentle prodding, I forced my brain to get itself together so I could in turn get myself together. I have things to plan. First and foremost, I made plans for what to do with Nathan. I mapquested the directions to/from their office and found out that it is a lot further than I anticipated from here. Great. Just that much more time that I have to feel nervous about things.
That aside, I am SO over this already. I just want to hit the “fast-forward” button through this part of my life and get it over with as soon as possible.