Today C kicked me out of the house for the day while he watched Nathan. After being in a slump for the last few days, it was just the kind of thing I needed to get me back up and going again.
I needed to get back in touch with myself as well…myself. I needed to feel whole again in a way that can only come from being out in the world for a short while without the constant distraction of a toddler on the verge of a tantrum. Don’t get me wrong, 99.5% of the time I’d rather be with the toddler on the verge of tantrumhood than just about anywhere else on Earth. But the whole miscarriage thing affected me on a more personal level. That is to say, it is mighty hard to get over losing the chance to be a mom while doing the mom things. Everywhere I looked at home, including at Nathan himself, I just was reminded again of the loss. I needed some personal space, which is impossible with little ones, and dignity. I needed a few hours out and about after taking a shower and getting real clothes on and doing my make-up and looking nice. I needed to make eye contact with strangers, not to apologize for my toddler’s latest antics, but to connect with them as myself. To pay attention when they smile and actually make small talk without constantly glancing away to make sure my son is actually nearby, preferably in arms reach, and not half-way across the store already. I needed to RELAX.
And relax I did. I moseyed about the shopping center and went where ever I darn well wanted to and took as long as I needed to look around. No stroller, bottle-offering, cry-soothing, or backtracking to search for the missing discarded binky or toy. I was just ME, Jenn.
Jenn the amazing woman who makes strangers smile and helps people in need and whose body is not broken. My body brought a healthy child into this world, and mind you, that is no small feat for someone in my shoes. But I did it. I tried to do it again, and loss the baby, but someday when the time is right I will bring another healthy child into the world to love. Of that I am sure.
I loitered around and tried on some new clothes and shoes. I looked in the mirror at myself and marveled at how unfrumpy I looked. I looked put-together, confident, healthy, and certainly whole. This whole relaxing thing really worked wonders on my aching little soul of mine.
Nevertheless, after about 3 hours of relaxing, I began to crave mommyhood again. I wanted to hold and kiss my sweet little boy and tell him that his mommy up and running again.
His Mommy is back.
Jenn is back.
And the our little world is a better place because of it.