Just another mom blog…

For this child, I have prayed. (Samuel 1:27)

Archive for the month “April, 2011”

Mommy on the Mend

Today C kicked me out of the house for the day while he watched Nathan.  After being in a slump for the last few days, it was just the kind of thing I needed to get me back up and going again.

I needed to get back in touch with myself as well…myself.  I needed to feel whole again in a way that can only come from being out in the world for a short while without the constant distraction of a toddler on the verge of a tantrum.  Don’t get me wrong, 99.5% of the time I’d rather be with the toddler on the verge of tantrumhood than just about anywhere else on Earth. But the whole miscarriage thing affected me on a more personal level. That is to say, it is mighty hard to get over losing the chance to be a mom while doing the mom things.  Everywhere I looked at home, including at Nathan himself, I just was reminded again of the loss.  I needed some personal space, which is impossible with little ones, and dignity. I needed a few hours out and about after taking a shower and getting real clothes on and doing my make-up and looking nice.  I needed to make eye contact with strangers, not to apologize for my toddler’s latest antics, but to connect with them as myself.  To pay attention when they smile and actually make small talk without constantly glancing away to make sure my son is actually nearby, preferably in arms reach, and not half-way across the store already.  I needed to RELAX.

And relax I did. I moseyed about the shopping center and went where ever I darn well wanted to and took as long as I needed to look around.  No stroller, bottle-offering, cry-soothing, or backtracking to search for the missing discarded binky or toy.  I was just ME, Jenn.

Jenn the amazing woman who makes strangers smile and helps people in need and whose body is not broken. My body brought a healthy child into this world, and mind you, that is no small feat for someone in my shoes.  But I did it. I tried to do it again, and loss the baby, but someday when the time is right I will bring another healthy child into the world to love. Of that I am sure.

I loitered around and tried on some new clothes and shoes.  I looked in the mirror at myself and marveled at how unfrumpy I looked.  I looked put-together, confident, healthy, and certainly whole.  This whole relaxing thing really worked wonders on my aching little soul of mine.

Nevertheless, after about 3 hours of relaxing, I began to crave mommyhood again.  I wanted to hold and kiss my sweet little boy and tell him that his mommy up and running again.

His Mommy is back.

Jenn is back.

And the our little world is a better place because of it.



My emotions are all over place.  The grief is awful. It feels like…well, it feels like my baby just died.  Only I know she wasn’t a full baby yet, just had the potential to be. So why do I feel like this? Is it hormones or what?

To get pregnant after years of infertility only to miscarry is like a slap in the face.  To top it all off, my body is still in the process of miscarriage so I am reminded constantly of my loss.  I just wish so badly that I could undo the loss.  Just close my eyes and when I open them again I’ll still be pregnant and the baby will be safe and warm where she belongs.  I hate this. I mean I really, really hate this.

It hasn’t even been a week yet, so I’m giving myself plenty of slack and space to be an emotional wreck.  I know most of it is just my hormones trying to get back in balance. Sighs.

Mr. Handsome, 18 months old

Nathan’s First Crush

Earlier this week I had to go to the surgeon’s about a complication. Nathan and C came with me.  Dr. M walked in the room and lets just say that I had NO idea that a 18-month old could have a crush on someone. It was…wow…see for yourself:

Symptoms of of 18-month old with a crush:

  • Loss of speech: She enters the room and all of a sudden the cat got his tongue. He cannot take his eyes off of her, not even when I offer him my iPhone. He doesn’t even appear to see the iPhone.
  • Slack jawed and drooling: I kid you not, the moment he saw her, he stopped his pacifier and the thing fell out of his mouth! He didn’t even notice that he lost his binky. I swear I saw a little drool as well, although to be fair it may have been from the binky itself.
  • Sudden shyness: I try to entice him to speak, and try to get him to say the word Apple, which is usually fail-proof. He glances at me briefly, barely whispers the word, and then tries to hide his face.
  • Giggling: Dr. M, being a mother herself, started signing a book to him. She did a belly tickle and he giggled. Not only that, but he blushed! He giggled, blushed, and hid his face again.
  • Can’t bear to be apart: When she had to leave the room, he got upset and kept trying to wiggle out of his stroller to go after his new lady-friend.

I don’t think there is anything cuter than a toddler in love. I am actually glad of his heterosexual inclinations and very good taste to boot.  Dr. M is not much older than me and has young ones herself and is very, very good with kids.  She’s pretty, funny, extremely intelligent, successful, and is as nice as she can be. And…she wears glasses! He can not only say but also sign the word, so you can bet that he’s pretty hot on folks with glasses right now.  I just hope he maintains his taste in whom he likes well into adulthood. If so, I will end up with a fabulous daughter-in-law one day.

[He also fell head-over heels in love with balloons this weekend. Not sure what that is all about.]

As it is, I joked with Dr. M and told her to inform her hubby that she now has a younger, sweet, smart, very handsome young man competing for her affections. 🙂

Day 3: The Silver Lining

I had my 6 week sonograms and discovered that the pregnancy was in the right place (not Aesopic) and lost over the weekend at almost 6 weeks pregnant. Fabulous Dr. D (our reproductive endocrinologist who did our IVF with Nathan) and C and I all reviewed the pregnancy and then discussed the future for us.  It turns out that I developed a bad infection/complication around the time that I lost the baby.  The complication may have ended the pregnancy since newly pregnant bodies tend to do this (end the pregnancy).  The good news that we got is that we are going to monitor my hormone levels and as soon as the complication is resolved and the hormones are ‘reset’, we can try again for another baby.  It may be as soon as next month, which is exciting and scary at the same time.  This being my second pregnancy loss, the first trimester is a very scary time for me.   Actually, to be perfectly honest, I find that I am quite nervous for the baby and do not relax until the child is finally in my arms.  I envy those people who get pregnant and cruise through 9 months without a care in the world. I am just not one of them.

As for me personally, I am handling the loss just fine.  It’s weird though, because my brain and body are not in agreement with getting over the pregnancy yet. My brain understands the loss, the statistics, biology, plans and I’m mentally fine with it. Sad, but fine.  My body and emotions on the other hand are WAY out of loop.  My hormones are still trying to reset and get back to normal. As a result, I feel like I am either menopausal and/or have PMS.  I have these random hot flashes one minute and then feel fine the next. Sometimes the silliest thing (good moments) will invoke tears from me, and other things I think are hilarious when I never though so before. Sometimes I feel irritated but honestly have no idea why, aside from the pregnancy. It’s still “Me”, just a little more intense than normal.  I didn’t expect this to happen but I have since learned that it is typical for miscarriages.

I also didn’t expect the intensity of discomfort while the body naturally miscarried.  The first day I did not take anything for it.  I just felt like the pain, like the pain during childbirth, is a natural transition that marks the end of pregnancy regardless of gestational length.  I can’t really explain it very well but many women feel the same way.  So today while I was at the surgeon’s getting the complication tended to, I was hurting quite a bit and opened up to her about it. She said that there is no need to suffer, so when I got home I took some medicine and felt so much better. I ended up taking a 3 hour nap along with Nathan, which I’m sure my body sorely needed.

Sorry for rambling, I’m really very tired.

Anyhow, the silver lining from all of this is that we know now that I should be able to conceive again soon.  We are very, very excited about possibly having another child in our family.  This time around I can make sure that my body is ready for the long journey ahead so I can bring a healthy baby into the world.

Day 2: When it rains, it pours

I’m still kind-of in shock.  My doctor told me to stop taking the progesterone (a hormone to support pregnancy) in order to “start my period.”  I was advised that the bleeding and cramping will start soon.  With all due respect, I am not “starting a period,” I am losing my baby. Nor will I be passing “pregnancy tissue” for it is a baby.  No need to sugar-coat things. It is what it is, and I am not going to do injustice and discredit the tiny little life inside of me, however short it may have been.  This baby was already very much wanted and loved by us.  It is my way of honoring the little life that should have been.

I made bargains with God. As in, “I promise I’ll have a c-section if you let this baby live.” Thinking that maybe this is the result of him somehow answering my prayers to keep us safe.  I finally accepted the truth, that the baby is gone, and asked my mom in heaven if she could come and get the baby and take care of her until I can see her again one day.

I felt angry, numb, defeated.  When C came home from work, I grabbed my shovel and proceeded to till the wet, heavy dirt in my vegetable garden.  I hauled the dirt and filled in the holes in my yard as if it could somehow fill the hole in my heart.  I hauled heavy bags of soil enhancements and mixed it into the dirt.  I felt tired and nauseous and I kept on going. I didn’t want to stop because I was scared the tears would come and I would fall to pieces.

I was exhausted by the time I finished preparing the vegetable garden, to tired to feel angry anymore.  I gently, tenderly lifted tiny seedlings and planted them with utmost care into their new homes. If I can’t nurture life within my womb, then by all that is good, I will nurture these.  I will have such a perfectly maintained garden that God will see what a great nurturer I am for another baby.  A garden of Hope.

I think I need a foster kitten, so I can love the pain away.

A friend of mine shared this poem with me:

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby’s not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there’s no need to stay.I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
“We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!”
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
“Mommy, Please don’t be sad today
I’m your baby and I am here”

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they’ll stay
They’ll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It’s the feeling in your heart
It’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Very bad day. Week. Year?

Well I just got the news that my pregnancy, which should have been around week 6, is officially over.  I can’t believe how much it hurts me in my heart to get the news. I thought that I would be getting a great report and maybe even be scheduling a sonogram soon. Now I am planning on how I will finish ‘loosing’ the baby. We were so unbelievably excited about the baby. We cried and laughed and giggled about how we’ll have a new little human to love in 8 or so months. I tried on my maternity pants again with a pillow baby bump and pranced around the house while C and Nathan laughed at my future curves.  Now all I have left is to wait for the cramps and bleeding to start.  The pain in my heart is unbearable. Absolutely awful.

Changing Times

I have been having some minor, but painful, health issues lately so I am spending more time than usual being a total couch potato (doctor’s orders).  There will be some major changes coming up in our household soon, and I have no idea how it will all work out.  Once I have a better picture of exactly what is going on, I’ll be sure to update my blog ASAP.

Anyhow…I am really looking forward to Nathan’s first “real” Easter.  It looks like we will have some stormy weather all week, so I may end up taking his Easter pictures next week instead. 🙂

Some pictures from a recent visit to the park:

Language and our 18-month old

I have tried to make sure that I take the time to sit down and record Nathan’s development for future reference. Feel free to skip over the particular post .

At last count, a few months ago, he could say around 30 words and sign about half that amount. His newest SIGNS are:

THINK, EYE, NOSE,MOUTH, EAR, HEAR, SAY,CHAIR,SIT, ALARM/BEEP, STAR,SOCK, THERE and some other signs which are not clear enough yet for me to understand. One of them looks like he is trying to sign BANANA.

His newest verbal words are:

Diaper, Chair, There, Beep, Glasses, glass, apple, baby doll, flower, window, blankee, binky, computer, TV, BB, Poppy (for Pop-pop, his grandfather), Pee-ew!, see?, yummy!, night-night, bath, banana,cup, stop, spoon, hit, sit, eye, ear, and some other words which I cannot decipher because as I mentioned before, I am deaf as a doornail.

The words that I can’t understand look like this:

boppy, baper (paper?),  Obay (Okay?), bopper, and some others.

He recently started climbing onto the couches/recliner. His favorite thing to do is to is to gather the nececcessities,  (toy laptop, Binky, blankee, maybe his cup) and climb onto the recliner where he happily plays for extended periods of time.  He is definitely a technology whiz just like his daddy.

He understands counting to three as long as there’s an object that he can touch as he counts off the numbers. He gets upset if you skip a number.

He is very tidy with everything except for his toys. He puts his cup on the counter when he is done drinking or brings it to us. If he takes out pans or bowls to play with, he’ll carefully stack them and put them back. If he has one that he can’t get to stay put, he’ll fuss and then put it on the counters for us to put back later. In many ways, he behaves more like a 4-year-old. When we take him to play on playgrounds, all the other kids of all ages run around, climb, jump,  and act very hyper compared to him. Nathan walks carefully around, stopping to study how the kids are playing. When the coast is clear, he’ll slowly approach said toy (slide, climber) and try to climb it himself. If kids violate his personal space without his permission, he will back up or gently push their hands away from him as he backs up. He never steals toys, hits, shoves, or violate anyone elses space. If he wants to play with someone, he’ll approach them and wait until he makes eye contact gets their approval before joining them. Mostly, he just prefers to play with “intellectual” types of toys such as the tablets and vertical mazes on the walls of indoor play spaces.

Something else that he does, which I find alarming for safety reasons, is that he tries to find ways to communicate what he wants to eat to us. If he sees a package in the trash with food that he wants that we threw away, he will fetch it out of the trash an bring it to us saying, “See?” and signing that he wants to eat that food. He did this with a banana peel, oven french fry bag, cereal bar, ect. I am considering making a picture chart for him to point out what he wants to eat., hoping that this will end his digging in the trash ways and still allow him to carry out his goal.

He is (thankfully) very focused on whatever task he has on hand. He loves conquering challenges. For example, he has a set of flashcards with pictures which I use for teaching him signs. He will sit there and insist that I go through each and every one of them over and over. When he gets to his favorites, he will sign or speak the word. He also has a shape-sorter and will do it over and over again until he gets it right. The boy is still in diapers at a year and a half old and I swear he is like an old soul or something, or just very bright.



I’m back!

I apologize for keeping everyone waiting for updates!

I had the double lumpectomy and excision biopsy on both breast and all samples came back benign! (Happy Dance!!!) I have a few more tests to do and then I will have surgery to have my cochlear implant magnets put back so that I will be able to hear again.For the time being, I am deaf as a doornail. 🙂

For the recovery, my fabulous mom-in-law, otherwise known as Mom or BB, came to help us out. Nathan and his BB had an absolute blast!

We also took Nathan to the Aquarium for the first time and he really enjoyed it. The hardest part was keeping up with a very busy toddler. He also got his very first taste of Dippin’ dots ice cream. I think that they should change the name to Drippin’ Dots when fed to toddlers though, its SO messy!

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