Just another mom blog…

For this child, I have prayed. (Samuel 1:27)

Day 2: When it rains, it pours

I’m still kind-of in shock.  My doctor told me to stop taking the progesterone (a hormone to support pregnancy) in order to “start my period.”  I was advised that the bleeding and cramping will start soon.  With all due respect, I am not “starting a period,” I am losing my baby. Nor will I be passing “pregnancy tissue” for it is a baby.  No need to sugar-coat things. It is what it is, and I am not going to do injustice and discredit the tiny little life inside of me, however short it may have been.  This baby was already very much wanted and loved by us.  It is my way of honoring the little life that should have been.

I made bargains with God. As in, “I promise I’ll have a c-section if you let this baby live.” Thinking that maybe this is the result of him somehow answering my prayers to keep us safe.  I finally accepted the truth, that the baby is gone, and asked my mom in heaven if she could come and get the baby and take care of her until I can see her again one day.

I felt angry, numb, defeated.  When C came home from work, I grabbed my shovel and proceeded to till the wet, heavy dirt in my vegetable garden.  I hauled the dirt and filled in the holes in my yard as if it could somehow fill the hole in my heart.  I hauled heavy bags of soil enhancements and mixed it into the dirt.  I felt tired and nauseous and I kept on going. I didn’t want to stop because I was scared the tears would come and I would fall to pieces.

I was exhausted by the time I finished preparing the vegetable garden, to tired to feel angry anymore.  I gently, tenderly lifted tiny seedlings and planted them with utmost care into their new homes. If I can’t nurture life within my womb, then by all that is good, I will nurture these.  I will have such a perfectly maintained garden that God will see what a great nurturer I am for another baby.  A garden of Hope.

I think I need a foster kitten, so I can love the pain away.

A friend of mine shared this poem with me:

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby’s not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there’s no need to stay.I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
“We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!”
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
“Mommy, Please don’t be sad today
I’m your baby and I am here”

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they’ll stay
They’ll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It’s the feeling in your heart
It’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

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One thought on “Day 2: When it rains, it pours

  1. Ma Hearn on said:

    Thinking of you today and to let you know I love you and am praying for God to give you peace and comfort now. Love you Ma Hearn

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