So far I am having a really nice, though slightly weird, weekend. It has been nice because today we went to the Brazilian Butterfly Exhibit and then out to eat overlooking the river. We had a wonderful time together as a family and I really enjoyed it.
Weird because I’m filled with mixed emotions. Kind of numb in a way. I have another surgery coming up on Friday to get my magnets for my cochlear implants put back in. I’m looking forward to hearing again, but not dealing with the pain and the busy week getting ready for it while going through another miscarriage.
I miss my Mom. I recently found out that my step-father has a aggressive form of cancer. He is one of the most honorable, kind-hearted men I’ve ever met and I love him very much. It has been strange since my Mom passed away and he remarried. However, I know that all I have to do is see him and it would be like old times again. He is an amazing man and it breaks my heart that he has to go through this a year after losing his wife to cancer. He fought alongside her for 9 years and knows what to expect, which can be both good and bad. I just wish I could make it better for him. He deserves better than this. Much better.
I miss my Mom and my Grandmother, Mammaw. So much has changed since she passed away and I have felt so alone as a mom navigating the waters of motherhood alone. Then I went through the cancer scare and really, really needed her by my side then to help me though it. Now I am having two miscarriages back to back within a 10 week time span and since she went through one too she would have been able to help me.
It’s hard trying to be a pillar of strength all of the time. Most people my age still have elders whom they can look to for guidance and encouragement and I have only myself and my faith. At times I do not know if I am actually very, very strong or if I am just as weak as anyone else. At times I do feel rather feeble because I definitely suffer through the normal range of human emotions. The intellectual part of me does not allow me the privilege of ignorantly stumbling through life’s decisions and blaming consequences on everything and everyone else as so many others seem to be lucky enough to do. It is frustrating at times to have this kind of responsibility to carry.
Sorry…I think I am rambling again. I’m very tired and should probably head to bed right after I finish this post.
Anyhow…I have not started this process of miscarriage again yet. I am hoping that because this time was so early that the physical aspect will at least be easier this time around. I definitely have not had the hot flashes and other hormonal issues like I had last time. I’m really happy about that.
I really do want another child soon. Today I was in the store and walked past the maternity section and almost cried. I wish so much that I were still pregnant with either of the pregnancies and could actually have a use for maternity clothes. Part of me doesn’t understand why it seems like everything I want in life has to be such a struggle to get.
I am starting to wonder if I am cursed for some reason, if I believed in that sort of thing.
I mean, why can’t things just be EASY for once? Why can’t I wake up in a world with living, married parents, a body without scars everywhere and a functional GI system, ears that can hear, a womb that has never been robbed of life, and a history filled with the usual, mundane childhood and college experience?
Then I remember that had none of these things happened, I wouldn’t be the remarkable person that I am today. I have learned more from my own struggles in my short life than most people learn in a lifetime. My spirit is richer and more developed because of these experiences, and thus my trials in life have been an honor of sorts. So when my little body finally figures out how to carry life again, and I bring another child into the world, I will have even more strength and knowledge to pass to my little ones one day.
I am blessed.