Sorry to keep you waiting on the news. The lady did indeed sing.
My doctor informed me that I am losing the pregnancy. So it is officially a bye-bye to number four. She wants me to go in so that we can sit down to talk about my body’s randomly wonderful new ability to conceive and its complete inability to sustain the pregnancies. I have already been having fatigue, weird sweaty hot flashes, and the unique nausea that I only seem to get when my pregnancies are either just starting or they are ending.
I was smarter this time around and did not allow myself to get attached to this particular conception. So I am largely ok with it aside from wishing the physical part would hurry up and normalize soon. I am definitely very much wanting to find out what the future holds as far as fertility and pregnancy support options. I have to prepare myself for the fact that it may very well end up being an experiment of sorts where I just have to go through a few more miscarriages with different medication protocols until something ends up working for me.
I need to seriously consider where I plan on drawing the line on how many miscarriages I will allow myself to go through before I call it quits on creating a biological child. I mean, how does a person decide on that? What if our beloved baby is lucky number 9 and we quit at 8? Can I live with that? With not ever knowing, but seriously wondering, “what if?” Consider this, Nathan was one of the last 3 embryos out of 12. He could have been lucky number 10, 11, or 12. If I were conceiving those embryos one at at time, would I have given up before getting to Nathan? What would our lives be like if I had? Do I think that the experience of each miscarriage is enough to justify giving up on a lifetime of love and joy with a second child? Have you ever thought about what you would do in this situation?
I am kind of bummed because it is almost fall and I just realized that I have spent the summer either pregnant, miscarriage, or in between pregnancies. I am guessing around 5-6 months worth total. All of that time and effort, I feel at least, has been wasted. I cannot take that time back. So I need to figure out how much more time I am willing to risk potentially squandering on this particular endeavor.
In the meantime, on a less heavy note, I whittled away the hours in Nathans playroom this evening. I have so far managed to make two of four muslin roman shade curtains so far. I just sort of winged it instead of following directions but they look awesome so far. I will do one more run-through to make sure I have the simplest, quickest steps/method for this particular design and then I will post a tutorial. My first one took me almost 2 hours. Then I thought it through some more before tackling the second one. I simplified the steps and managed to make the second one in about 30 minutes. I would like to get it down to around 20 minutes, but we shall see.
Also…a HUGE thanks to all of you who kept us in your thoughts this week as we went through the Saga of the 4th Bean. It meant the world to me and the kind thoughts and words helped us get through this time. For all of you out there who are currently in the midst of your own Bean Sagas, I hope that your hearts stay strong, your hope stays alive, and your spirits stay bright as you continue on your journey toward the miracle that lies ahead.