Just another mom blog…

For this child, I have prayed. (Samuel 1:27)

Archive for the month “January, 2012”

A Picky Tummy

Nathan has really changed a lot in the last few months. One of the changes is just how picky he has become about eating.  I finally found a few tricks and favorite foods of his to help get nutrition into his growing body.

I stopped looking at each meal and instead at making sure he eats his food groups on a daily and weekly basis.  I realized that protein is protein, so cheese and milk counts toward this. Each day I try to get him to eat something green, from the bread/starch group, fiber, protein, and plenty of water and milk.

For example, he usually eats green beans with bacon, “special” mac, eggs, and cheese; peas, oranges, bananas, yogurt, oatmeal, ham cubes, cucumber.  The special mac and cheese is SO easy to make:

For this, you can either “dress up” a regular box of mac and cheese or make your own.  The basic ingredients is shell pasta, scrambled eggs, velveeta cheese, shredded cheese, butter, and a little salt and pepper to taste. Just cook your pasta, drain, add a tablespoon or two of butter, and enough velveeta cheese to make it creamy.  Cook a few eggs in the microwave (1-3 stirred eggs for about a 30 seconds per egg).  Add the cooked egg to the dish and a handful of shredded cheese. Salt and pepper to taste and enjoy! Super-easy.

I usually give him “special mac & cheese” with peas on the side, milk, and sliced mandarin oranges for dessert.

Another trick to get him to eat things he usually won’t touch is to “bribe” or reward him with a bite of something he DOES like. The other day, I got him to eat a lot of chicken and all of his peas by rewarding every few bites with a bite of cranberry sauce, which he LOVES.  He did a really good job eating his dinner and I was so proud of him. I think his belly was mighty happy too! 🙂

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You know this whole being a mom thing? It’s pretty freakin’ awesome.  I don’t know if its looking into the eyes of a child and seeing part of yourself looking right back at you. Or maybe it’s the fact that my son could be having a very bad day- I just fix him some ‘special milk’ (chocolate milk) and he thinks I walk on water. He looses his beloved Blanky and when I find it for him, he thinks it’s magic. We just have this amazing connection, my son and I do.  I would like to think that most mothers and their little ones also share this unbelievably strong bond like Nathan and I do.

I remember feeling the same way about my mother. When I felt bad, her comforting presence was enough to help make me feel better.  Tomorrow is her birthday.  She has been gone for two years and two months. Its easy to remember because she passed away a few days before my son was born.  However old Nathan is, I just add on a few days and that’s how long it has been.  I miss her.

I can’t imagine being on my death bed and not being able to see my son one last time. I saw her last when I was 7 months pregnant.  She did not tell me that she was in the last throes of a loosing battle with cancer metastasis.  At 36 weeks pregnant, she suffered a stroke from a cluster of brain tumors.  Still being on bed rest with a high risk delivery scheduled for a little under 2 weeks from that day, I was not able to travel to see her. I considered going anyways.  The day after seriously contemplating how I was going to get down there to her side, at almost 37 weeks pregnant, I went into labor yet again.  They stopped the contractions, put me on bed rest, and sent me home with contraction medication to get me through the rest of the week until my complicated c-section was scheduled. She passed away a few days later. I wish I could have seen her to tell her goodbye.  I wish I could have given her some of the comfort that she gave to me whenever I wasn’t feeling well growing up.

She survived for many years following a diagnosis of stage IV aggressive cancer. For those who are unfamiliar with cancer-speak, stage IV is the absolute last thing you ever want to hear a doctor telling you. Stage IV is typically when they go ahead and let you know how many months you have left.  My mom kicked butt though. She heard Stage IV, then pretty much gave it the finger and went on to see many more years worth of life before it finally did her in.  She danced, she loved, she hurt, she cried, yet through it all she rocked her cancer treatments in her red leather coats and stylish blond wigs.  She stood on her rock-solid faith, leaned on loved ones when she grew too tired to stand on her own, and she prevailed.

When I look in the mirror, I see part of her looking right back at me.  I inherited some of her expressions and our eyes are similar.  It is also these traits that I see in my son.  My mom is gone, yet parts of her live on in my son and I.  I am old enough to see that while she did not walk on water so to speak, she is still nothing less than a miracle.  She taught me how to be strong and keep going. When I am seriously tired and ready to give up, I think of all that she went through with her cancer and I keep going.  You see, her fighting spirit was so strong that it even keeps a whole other person, me, going to this day.

So…Happy Birthday to one of the most stylish, outrageous, unbelievably strong woman I have ever known.

Updates

A lot of things have been happening lately since I found out that a pregnancy had ended.  Before the weekend I took a test just to make sure my pregnancy hormones had gone back down. It was a very dark positive result.

It turns out that I had conceived multiples. The “one” that implanted first and gave me the initial positive result did not make it. I miscarried. My beta HCG blood test that day was only 17. The second one was just starting to implant. Two and a half days later my blood pregnancy test increased to 66. Things were looking really good.  I had one more test on Sunday. Monday morning, my doctor emailed me to tell me that she is pretty sure the pregnancy was escopic (implanted outside of the uterus).  I was instructed to stop all pregnancy-sustaining medications.

I have already started having some serious cramping so I think I may already be starting the process of losing the pregnancy.

So many people were praying for this little bean to keep growing.  It means the world to C and I and we thank you.  I honestly have no clue what the future holds in terms of having our child.  This was my 6th (or was it 7th? I can’t remember) loss with all but two being consecutive.  I don’t know when we will call it quits. I do know that if I had to go through a dozen losses to have Nathan over again, I totally would. There is just no way of knowing if I will ever be able to carry a pregnancy. I did read about a woman who had 18 losses in a row before having her daughter. Hats off to her- but I’m simply not going to do that (thought the baby is wicked cute). I have read of several women having half a dozen in a row before carrying the next one to term.  I may try a few more times, but it really all depends on what the doctor says.

Shall update later.

Yet another loss…

Yesterday I went in for my blood pregnancy test. My doctor emailed me during Nathan’s nap with the results. I am losing the pregnancy. There was likely more than one that had implanted. Another chance at having a child, another dream is gone.

I laid down and cried my heart out. I begged God to not take this one too, to let it stay and grow into our beautiful child and allow us to love and nurture the little blessing. There was still a chance, albeit a tiny one, that the little remaining bean would hang on and keep growing. I held on to hope with an iron fist. If there is any chance at all that I can help this little one stay…you better believe I’ll fight like hell to keep it going. A pregnancy test the next day could let me know if it hung on or not.

I took a test the next morning. It was so light that it is basically negative. I am no longer pregnant and my heart is broken. I just don’t understand why I keep losing my babies-to-be.  I have so much love and devotion to give a child. Nathan would be a very caring, loving big brother. C is an amazing dad. Why can’t my body see this? Why won’t my body let me stay pregnant? I’m so confused…hurt…sad. I just don’t understand it at all.

If the number of children were based on being a good mom, on how much love one has to give, on dreams, or even on sheer iron will to bring a child into the world…I would have never lost a single pregnancy.

I would have had a house full of laughter and little feet and tiny fingerprints on everything. I would have never known the pain of a loss or the hopelessness that comes with repeated losses. Nathan would have a sibling to love and bother every now and then. I would get to launder my children’s clothes of different sizes. My house would maybe have both trucks and baby dolls. I would get to sew a personalized quilt for each child, just to give them something extra special from me to keep with them long after I’m gone. I would get to see them grow through childhood into unique, amazing young adults. Graduations, weddings, grandchildren….all of the best things that life has to offer.

If only my heart were strong enough to overcome whatever is wrong with my body…

I would get to see my children play together, fight together, trick-or-treat and open their Christmas gifts on Christmas morning. My house would be full of picture of them, and my heart would be full of pride for my beautiful, amazing children.  But my heart cannot make my body hold on to the pregnancy, nor can love, hope, or sheer iron will.  Again and again my heart keeps getting broken, my body suffers through the losses, and my hopes for another child is so thin I can see right through it. I have nothing left but to pray…and so I do…

Please God…please stop taking my babies away from me.  I know you did not put all of this love into my heart for no reason.  I have more than enough love to share with my children.  I am a wonderful mommy to the blessing you gave me and I would be just as wonderful to the next child.  Please, please, please….bless us with another child.  I am so, so very tired of going through this again and again. Please help us. Please.  Amen.

New Beginnings…2012

On New Years day the time finally arrived for me to take a home pregnancy test. I took a few tests up to this point, but I took a digital pregnancy test because I wanted to know 100% without a doubt the result of this fertility treatment cycle. I did the test, said a prayer which bordered along the lines of begging, and waited 3 unbelievably long minutes until the cotton-picking test would finally spell it out for me. I took a deep breath and looked at the results. Here is what I saw:

I promptly flipped the heck out, saying a few “holy cows” and blessing guacamole. Then I calmed myself down and sobered myself with the facts. The truth is that getting pregnant is only half the journey for me. I have to somehow get past the next few precarious weeks to have the best chances of having a baby.  I am on blood thinning injections, baby asprin, super B complex vitamins, and progesterone pregnancy support to help counteract the factors against me having a viable pregnancy.  The injections are new, and I am depending on them to help me through this very risky time. I am absolutely terrified.

For now I am taking it one careful day at a time. I am drinking tons of water, resting when I need to, not lifting anything heavy, and keeping my mind on positive thoughts.  Aside from painful pouch issues keeping me up all night, I feel terrific. I have not had any vomiting and only a little bit of nausea when I get hungry or too hot. I hope that it means this pregnancy, if viable, will be easier than it was with Nathan.

I have a blood test tomorrow to check on my beta HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels.  The blood levels have to double ever other day for the pregnancy to be viable. If the levels keep doubling, I should have a sonogram in a week or two. After I see a heartbeat I will be much more relaxed and excited about this pregnancy. Please keep this little bean (or beans!) in your thoughts and prayers.

Here’s to new beginnings…Happy New Years!

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