Just another mom blog…

For this child, I have prayed. (Samuel 1:27)

Yet another loss…

Yesterday I went in for my blood pregnancy test. My doctor emailed me during Nathan’s nap with the results. I am losing the pregnancy. There was likely more than one that had implanted. Another chance at having a child, another dream is gone.

I laid down and cried my heart out. I begged God to not take this one too, to let it stay and grow into our beautiful child and allow us to love and nurture the little blessing. There was still a chance, albeit a tiny one, that the little remaining bean would hang on and keep growing. I held on to hope with an iron fist. If there is any chance at all that I can help this little one stay…you better believe I’ll fight like hell to keep it going. A pregnancy test the next day could let me know if it hung on or not.

I took a test the next morning. It was so light that it is basically negative. I am no longer pregnant and my heart is broken. I just don’t understand why I keep losing my babies-to-be.  I have so much love and devotion to give a child. Nathan would be a very caring, loving big brother. C is an amazing dad. Why can’t my body see this? Why won’t my body let me stay pregnant? I’m so confused…hurt…sad. I just don’t understand it at all.

If the number of children were based on being a good mom, on how much love one has to give, on dreams, or even on sheer iron will to bring a child into the world…I would have never lost a single pregnancy.

I would have had a house full of laughter and little feet and tiny fingerprints on everything. I would have never known the pain of a loss or the hopelessness that comes with repeated losses. Nathan would have a sibling to love and bother every now and then. I would get to launder my children’s clothes of different sizes. My house would maybe have both trucks and baby dolls. I would get to sew a personalized quilt for each child, just to give them something extra special from me to keep with them long after I’m gone. I would get to see them grow through childhood into unique, amazing young adults. Graduations, weddings, grandchildren….all of the best things that life has to offer.

If only my heart were strong enough to overcome whatever is wrong with my body…

I would get to see my children play together, fight together, trick-or-treat and open their Christmas gifts on Christmas morning. My house would be full of picture of them, and my heart would be full of pride for my beautiful, amazing children.  But my heart cannot make my body hold on to the pregnancy, nor can love, hope, or sheer iron will.  Again and again my heart keeps getting broken, my body suffers through the losses, and my hopes for another child is so thin I can see right through it. I have nothing left but to pray…and so I do…

Please God…please stop taking my babies away from me.  I know you did not put all of this love into my heart for no reason.  I have more than enough love to share with my children.  I am a wonderful mommy to the blessing you gave me and I would be just as wonderful to the next child.  Please, please, please….bless us with another child.  I am so, so very tired of going through this again and again. Please help us. Please.  Amen.

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2 thoughts on “Yet another loss…

  1. I love you, Jenn. Hang in there. You are a wonderful person and Nathan is so lucky to have a mommy like you. No matter what, you always have the love and support of your family and friends. Never forget that you are very loved and blessed in many ways.

  2. I prayed so hard for this for you. I can feel your hurt in your writing. Sometimes I wish we could explain things to make it easier. My heart goes out to you.

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