Here I am at 9 weeks pregnant…and I’m scared to death. I do not think it is humanly possible to go through so many miscarriages and not have your faith in pregnancy shaken up a little. Logically, I think things are fine. Although I have very few symptoms, what symptoms I do have are still very much there. At this point I have food aversions (meat is the devil), nausea, and a generous helping of unrelenting fatigue. I am starting to see my waist expand already, something which tends to happen earlier with second babies.
I also know that my chances of success is somewhere around 98%. I guess I am just scared to allow myself to get attached to this little one just yet. I have noticed a weekly emotional routine which seems to center around my weekly ultrasounds. The day of the ultrasound, and the following two days, I am on top of the world. Seeing my baby growing and his/her little heartbeat is enough to restore my faith and carry me through. The next few days leading up to the ultrasound witnesses a daily increase in anxiety and worry until I can see the baby again. I keep reminding myself that worrying does not help the baby. It is nothing but counterproductive. Worrying is designed to help get you out of a situation, or at least prepare for the worst, but in this case it simply doesn’t apply. If I lose this baby, it is going to break my heart. It will be painful, but if I can’t have faith in my pregnancy, then I should at least have faith in myself and my ability to survive whatever happens. I know this. I am a tough cookie to say the least!
I have been allowing myself to savor little morsels of wondering about this child I am carrying. I keep wondering if this baby is a girl or a boy. With Nathan, I had a dream at 6 weeks along and knew without a doubt that I was having a boy. I can’t explain it, but somehow I just knew. With this one, I keep seeing myself with a girl. Only it’s not this one, really. It’s more like I am betting on the natural progression of things, which is having one of each. I keep feeling like I am carrying a girl and a boy, which makes no sense at all because I am supposedly only carrying one baby. I guess my instincts are of no use this time around. I will have to wait and see later on what we are having.
Speaking of, we do plan on waiting to find out what we’re having. My
rule law is that I absolutely do not want to know what I am having until the baby is far enough along to survive should it be born early. The reason is because I may be tempted to start buying things for the baby, and if something happens then I am stuck with reminders of the child I lost. That would be simply too painful. With Nathan, we found out at 28 weeks at our baby shower. I would have waited longer, but we had a reveal baby shower and couldn’t travel to have it later in pregnancy.
With this one, due in January, I am thinking of having a reveal cake or present to open either right after Thanksgiving dinner or on Christmas morning. Hopefully we will have extended family around to celebrate with us since I will be too far along to travel. The reason I want to find out shortly before birth is because one of my favorite things to look forward to is buying and washing my baby’s first hats, socks, and clothing. The recovery from birth is difficult for me and so if I do not get to experience this before the baby is born, then I simply will not get to do so. I guess it is just a personal decision that every mother has to make for herself.
I am so very (cautiously) excited about this next child. I have a regular OB appointment on Thursday, and will have an ultrasound that day as well.
I am going to try to stay strong and have faith that this little one is meant to be. 🙂